Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
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On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.