If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
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Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”