“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
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Passwords are more important than ever.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.