doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
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No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
are there any atheist mantises?
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am