Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
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centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…