My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
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MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba