My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
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One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.