Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
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Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
(Musicians.)
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly