I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
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I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!