carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
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How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.