You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
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Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
mumsnet is amazing
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.