The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
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my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.