Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
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Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too