“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
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Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.