I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
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My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
When you’re Kinky but poor
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes