Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
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You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead