Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
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Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Hank is one in a melon.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.