Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
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My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower