Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
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someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.