Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
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Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.