Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
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I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?