*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
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Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology: