my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
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Just me?
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.