Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
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My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family