In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
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I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things