My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
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Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Smells like a challenge to me
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
it’s finally my moment to shine
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.