If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
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this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!