A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
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Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Thank you corporation very cool
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H