me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
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[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will