I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
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“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Never go to sleep after making me angry
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
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