I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
You Might Also Like
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga