Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
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[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
can’t believe I got front row seats
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.