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If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time