I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
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Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
S O O N
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”