Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
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me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Mouse
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.