the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
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People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.