waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
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I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.