The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
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” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)