3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
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Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.