McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
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*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
This a good idea
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Every house has this drawer
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US