Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
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I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
remember
only for emergencies
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer