Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
You Might Also Like
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller