Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
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*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.