One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
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a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
#MeanwhileInCanada
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no