I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
every college guy’s fridge
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes