I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
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Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Cat.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.