God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
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Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
I’ve had worse
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.