I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
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My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Merry Christmas
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity