Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
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Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
how to have an accident 101
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
I think about this a lot
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.