superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
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me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
ibopfufen
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.